Hold Back Your Tears This Time
by JaeSan
Summary: Rachel and Quinn over the years...


Author's Note: Don't own Glee or Glee Characters...  
This is a weird writing style for me, but wanted to try it out. Thanks for giving it a look and hope you don't hate it!  
Popped into my head the other day when I was listening to 'For the Nights I Can't Remember' by Hedley

Hold Back Your Tears This Time

**You're standing in the rain and both of your faces are soaked. You know hers is only half rain and you swallow as you look at her face and the hurt in her eyes. A brief moment of pain washes over you as you wish that you didn't know this expression so well. **

The first time was the worst and most days, even when things are going good you wish you could take it back because it really was what started it all. It happened in third grade when she came to school with little pink frosted hearts for valentines day. She was quieter back then, but somehow still annoying because no matter how hard you tried you could never get her to leave you alone. So when Rachel brought a cookie over to your desk and smiled hopefully as she held it out you did the most horrible thing you could think of.

"Why would I eat anything that you made? I might get some sort of disease."

Rachel's hand had wavered for only a second. "My fathers made them." She had mumbled. "But I put your name on this one especially for you. I didn't touch it or anything I used squeeze frosting." She added even more quietly as she continued to hold the cookie.

"That's even worse." You stated loudly. "My father said that it's a sin to have two dads. He said you're all going straight to hell. If we eat your cookies we'll probably go there too." You crossed your arms over your chest and smirked because you knew by this time everyone was looking at you. Brittany was the first person to drop her cookie and a few more followed. You watched as everyone tossed their cookies back at Rachel until the only ones left belonged to a few of the boys. Noah Puckerman was in mid bite when you turned to glare at him until he rolled his eyes and threw his at her feet as well. The rest of the boys followed suit and you could see tears welling in Rachel's brown eyes.

You hated the feeling in your stomach when Rachel lied to the teacher and told her that she had dropped the tray while she was handing out the cookies. And you felt what you would later realize was regret when tears fell from Rachel's eyes as she bent to pick up her treats. You noticed later after you were forced to help Rachel clean up the mess at her feet that she had left your cookie at the corner of your desk. Yours had been the only one with a name. You don't know how you knew to lie to your parents about who gave you the cookie, but you saved it for two weeks before they made you throw it away….

* * *

**She won't even talk to you or let you near her as the two of you wait for the car. She's soaked and you move a few times to cover her with the umbrella you're holding, but she just crosses her arms and moves away from you trying to hide her face. She's shivering and she wraps her arms around herself. You can see her shoulders moving as she cries and you would give anything to replace her arms with your own.**

The second time happens the summer before the two of you start middle school. Your mother wants you to try out for cheerleading and she has signed you up for dance lessons at the same studio as Rachel Berry. You roll your eyes in irritation as you see her standing there in her stupid pink dance tights while your mother talks to the instructor, and when she gives you a small smile you return it with a scowl.

You've joined the class late so the teacher pairs you up with her best student. Rachel grins at you hopefully as she walks over and starts to teach you the steps. She's bossy and it annoys you that she's so good at this and you suck. It annoys you even more that she knows she's good. When she criticizes you for the fifth time in ten minutes you turn around and push her. You know it's immature, but you hate it when people tell you you're not good enough at things. You have to listen to it enough at home every time one of your parents compares you to your perfectly awful older sister.

You immediately regret it (yes you know what that feeling in the pit of your stomach is now) as you watch Rachel try to regain her balance. She lands a moment later on her ankle and the next thing you know Rachel is on the floor crying, looking up at you as if she really has no idea why you pushed her. She lies for you again saying she tripped as the instructor rushes over to find that Rachel's ankle has already begun to swell. You watch nervously as they carry her out of the dance studio and you hear them telling her that everything will be okay. Later that night when your parents go out you call Rachel's house just to be sure. Her dad sounds really nice and you feel a little bad about lying to him about your name…

* * *

**The valet drives up and you're relieved because at least Rachel won't be standing in the rain anymore. You close your umbrella and take the keys as she climbs silently into the passenger side of the car. She still won't meet your eyes and you wish that you didn't have to keep your eyes on the road because all you want to do is look at her.**

The third time is pretty bad, and only later after many years of therapy and self loathing are you able to blame it on the jealousy that races through your veins when Noah Puckerman asks Rachel to the eighth grade moving up dance. You stand next to your date (Some guy you don't remember since he moved away right after that) and watch as Rachel and Noah stand awkwardly next to each other. Your whole group is ignoring Rachel, but she lingers with all of you, staying close to Noah all night because she thinks she's having her first date.

It's halfway through the dance when you overhear Noah tell his best friend Finn that his mom made him ask Rachel because they go to the same temple. You listen to more of their conversation and find out that even though they think she's weird they both think she's pretty. Later in the night you see Noah kiss Rachel behind the bleachers when he thinks no one is watching. Rachel's eyes sparkle with her smile and you formulate a plan.

You convince Santana Lopez to ask Noah to dance and then to kiss him in front of Rachel. Rachel is hurt when she confronts him and you watch as Noah battles with himself before denying the kiss in front of all his friends. "You wish. My mom made me ask you to this stupid dance." He adds for good measure before ditching her to follow Santana. A few kids laugh at Rachel and you watch as she covers the hurt in her eyes with her hands and runs away, letting a sob slip out before she makes it to the safety of the bathroom.

It's only when you're leaving that you realize that Rachel spent the rest of the dance on the front steps of the school so that she didn't have to leave early and alert her fathers to what you made happen. You know this because as you walk toward your mothers car you overhear her lie as she gets in the car telling them she had a wonderful time. Your stomach is churning again and you have to echo Rachel with your own lie when your mother asks you if you had fun…

* * *

**Rachel's out of the car before your key is out of the ignition and locked in her bedroom when you finally make it up the stairs. You hear your phone going off in your purse, but all you can do is go to the bedroom door and beg her to let you in. You can hear her crying through the door and you lean against it resting your forehead against the wood as your heart breaks because out of all the times that you have made her cry you know that this one is different.**

The first time you slushie her you see Rachel cry for the fourth time. Sue Sylvester has just made you (a FRESHMAN) Captain of her cheerios and you feel like you're on top of the world. Your boyfriend Dave bought the two of you slushies to celebrate and for once you don't have the heart to disappoint him by telling him that you hate them. Your sipping the awful liquid when you see Rachel walking toward you.

By this time you and all of your classmates have formed your alliances and cliques and even though you hate it, you sometimes feel guilty that Rachel doesn't seem to belong to any of them. Puck (Yes Noah Puckerman is now Puck and you feel like this is your fault too since he got this way by spending the summer after eighth grade dating Santana) walks up behind you as you're watching Rachel walk down the hall. You kind of like the way the crowds of cliques and even teachers part for the three of you to walk down 'Freshman Hall' and you feel a mild irritation when Rachel Berry does not deter her path. You meet her eyes and roll them as she gazes back at you the same way that she always does. With that little bit of hope that you're a better person. You feel a sudden urge to squash that look right out of her eyes and before you even know what you're doing the lid is off your slushie and the bright red liquid is covering Rachel's books and pouring down the front of her awful sweater. A moment later Dave realizes what you've done, laughs, and Rachel gets a double serving of Cherry slushie dripping down her hair and face onto her books and soaking into her clothes.

You hear Puck, "Nice one Karofsky!" as he high fives his buddy and they take off down the hall celebrating. You and Rachel lock eyes and for a moment you wish for that hopeful look that was present in her eyes a moment ago instead of the hurt and confusion you see there now. You're still standing with an empty slushie cup when Mr. Schuester the Spanish teacher approaches you and you want to slap Rachel when she lies saying that you tripped while you were carrying your slushie.

She's crying in a bathroom stall next period and you wonder if she's been there since you threw the ice on her. You go into a stall on the far side of the bathroom and listen as Rachel tries to quiet her sobs because she knows someone is in the bathroom. You can't take it and you change into your cheerleading uniform.

When Coach Sylvester stops you in the hall demanding to know why you are wearing your uniform you tell the first lie that pops into your head, "I want everyone to know that this uniform stands for superiority. The Cheerios are champions and everyone should know that. Seeing the uniform will remind them of their place as non champions." You use the most superior voice you have and sit your hand on your hip for emphasis and the next day uniforms become mandatory everyday. You don't know how you made her buy it, but there was no way you could tell her the truth. Before you left the bathroom you shoved your clothes under the stall and ran off before Rachel could see you….

* * *

**She comes out an hour later and her eyes are red because she has been crying the entire time. You know this because you've been listening to it wishing your heart would stop beating because every sob that Rachel let slip was threatening to break your heart. **

You make her cry the fifth time after a particularly bad fight in Glee. Your hormonal and angry and the sound of Rachel's singing has been doing strange things to your body lately (even if your in denial). Rachel has just finished singing and your pissed off at the wetness that has pooled between your legs and you raise your hand to tell Mr. Schue that you hate Rachel's song. The two of you get into a shouting match and in the middle of it you're startled by the fact that this is the first time that Rachel has gotten angry with you. You find yourself liking the flash in her eyes as she yells at you and the fire in her voice as she tries to regain her composure.

When you go to your locker later the halls are clear except for Rachel and you're surprised when she walks over to you. You truly hate yourself for the first time when you see the hurt in her eyes as she stutters out her question. "Why do you hate me?" You don't have an answer for her so the two of you stand there at your locker and stare at each other and you watch as silent tears fall over Rachel's cheeks.

Santana interrupts you just as your about to lose control of your urge to crush your lips against Rachel's and for the first time the other girl doesn't lie for you when Santana gives you shit about hanging around Rachel outside of Glee. You half expected her to repeat the lie that she had once told for Finn, but all she does is give you that hopeful look before she throws her bag over her shoulder and heads toward the parking lot.

Later that night, before you can stop yourself, you send Rachel a text message (Yes, you have her number, and no it isn't listed under Man Hands) telling her that you don't hate her. You don't throw in the fact that you're lying in Pucks basement crying because just as Rachel had failed to lie to Santana, you can no longer lie to yourself. You admit for the first time that you might possibly be in love with Rachel Berry and you're crying because there's still a part of you that believes what you told her in third grade…

* * *

"**What now?" She asks as her tears begin again. You're helpless because even though she still looks at you like **_**she **_**knows you're a better person, you know you're not.**

You've called Rachel 'Man Hands' a billion times by the time you make her cry for the sixth time. Junior year has just started and you're actually sort of friends with the Diva, but Sue Sylvester has just let you back on the Cheerios and you can feel the power rush through you as you slip the uniform back over your body. Of course the body you have is thanks to Rachel who followed through with her promise to whip you back into shape in time for cheerleader camp.

She's waiting at your locker when it happens. Your walking with the new captain and she sneers as she asks you why the loser is at your locker. You shrug and walk toward the brunette trying to squelch the smile on your lips at the sight of her.

Rachel talks to you excitedly about Glee and you try not to think about how cute she is. You listen attentively until you see the look Candy (Yup, Candy) is giving you and you make a point to roll your eyes and tell Rachel that you aren't joining Glee this year. She's puzzled and a little hurt and launches into crazy mode trying to convince you to change your mind.

Candy's looking at you again with a raised eyebrow and you're irritated when you let it slip. "Just leave me alone Man Hands! I said I don't want to re join your stupid club!" Your sorry as soon as you say it and it seems to you that your sorry an awful lot when you're around Rachel and you curse yourself for not being able to control the ridiculous urge you always seem to have that wants to hurt her.

Rachel stops mid rant and tells you quietly that she thought this year would be different. You can't see her face but by this point you know she's crying and you hate yourself for it. The next day you turn in your uniform as if it has evil powers and find Rachel to apologize. She's still hurt, but you like it when her smile widens when you tell her you quit Cheerios and you're coming back to Glee…

* * *

**She tells you through the tears that Finn says she can stay with him until she finds another place and you don't want her to go, but you can't ask her to stay.**

By the time Rachel cries again you're seniors and you've been fucking her senseless for about two weeks. You're not usually so crass, but you can't seem to keep your hands off of her and you're pretty sure that you've wanted this since the two of you became friends the summer before junior year.

She's been pretty good about things considering you haven't broken up with Tim (and you really don't have any plans to), but her patience finally wears thin when you tell her with a heavy heart that you won't be able to come to her show that night. She wrote it with Artie (Yup, she actually has friends and you like to think it's because you have a calming effect on her) and somehow convinced the community theater to perform it. You've been to a good number of her rehearsals and you're pretty sure it's gonna rock, but Tim's parents have invited you to dinner and you have to go because no matter how Rachel makes you feel you're parents will kill you if they find out the truth. Your father can barely contain his rage any time he finds Rachel in your house and he thinks you're just friends.

You tell her quietly after Glee and she does her first Diva storm out of the school year, everyone buys it when you shrug and tell them you didn't think it would hurt to tell Rachel that she came in a little flat on the second verse. You sigh and gather your things ignoring the look that Finn gives you as you try to catch up with your best friend.

You're antsy at dinner and find it hard to concentrate, every now and then you stare at Tim and compare him to Rachel, but mostly you just can't wait for this to be over. Twenty minutes into dinner and Tim's butler (really a butler. In Lima. Your father loves this guy probably more than you ever will) comes in to announce that you're father called and there's been a family emergency. He's sent a car over and you're to get home straight away. You say goodnight to Tim and his family and hurry out the door.

You're surprised when you see Finn's truck outside waiting for you, and when you climb in and listen to what he has to say you're even more surprised that Finn is the only one astute enough to realize what has been going on between you and Rachel. The two of you make it for the second half of the show and you were right, of course, it rocked, but Rachel's crying when you go backstage to congratulate her and you feel as though you've been punched in the stomach because tonight she should be celebrating.

You wrap your arms around her and she cries harder for a moment before whispering, "I love you." You hear the pain behind the words and you hold her tighter because you know you can't say it back. It hurts her, but she smiles and tells you she's glad you're there. You spend the night at her house and make love to her for the first time…

* * *

**She's still crying as she places her things in her overnight bag and you notice for the first time since she came out of her bedroom that she's still wearing her wet clothes. You want to hold her one last time, but she still won't let you near her. It's only when her sobs wrack her body so badly that she has to sit that you're able to get your arms around her.**

You're breaking up with her when you make Rachel cry for the eighth time. You're both living in New York, and weirdly sharing an apartment with Finn, when Rachel is offered the lead with a touring production of Spring Awakening. Finn high fives her and buys tickets for the three of you to see it on Broadway before she leaves (even though you've seen it with her 3 times already), he's goofy, but you like that he still pretends to think that you and Rachel are just friends.

You break up with her the day before she leaves and you know it's for the best, but Rachel refuses to accept the break up. She pleads with you until the early hours to take it back and keeps asking you why until you're too tired to argue with her anymore and blurt out the truth. You know she'll become famous while she's gone and you're afraid that she'll forget you. It's the first time you cry in front of her and she holds you and takes you into her room where she doesn't stop touching you until she misses her bus.

Just as the sun is drifting in through the window you wake up and Rachel is no longer next to you, but it's a small apartment and you can hear her on the phone with the director sending her regrets. It takes a while for her to come back to bed and when she does you pretend you're still asleep. A week later Rachel lands a job in a resurrection of Beauty and the Beast so you never get around to thanking her for putting her dreams on hold for you. Which means that you never get around to telling her that you heard her crying in the bathroom the morning she gave up Spring Awakening…

* * *

**Her crying is silent now and as you hold her you wish that you had known what was going to happen tonight. If you had you wouldn't have invited all of your friends to the birthday party your parents planned while they were visiting you in the city. Especially not Rachel, it wasn't fair for her to find out this way.**

Tim finally graduates Law school and moves to New York (It sucks, but you never did get around to breaking up with him) and Rachel insists that everything is going to be different. Finn moves out and she spends most of her time at his place because Tim thinks he lives with the two of you. He notices after a few weeks and gets his own place. He explains to you one night while you are staying with him that it's because he wants Rachel to like him. He says he needs the best friend approval. It would be sweet if you and Rachel didn't know that he was just your big gay beard.

He gets a job with a law firm a few weeks later and you only feel a little bad about the relief that courses through you every time he has to work late. It was easy to balance two relationships when one was on the other side of the country. Now that all three of you are in the same city, not so much.

You both think Tim has to work on Valentines Day and Rachel goes crazy romantic while you're at work. When you walk in the door the apartment is lit with only candlelight and she's playing the most romantic song you've ever heard. The table is covered with food and roses and she sitting with a bottle of wine wearing the sexiest lingerie that you have ever seen. You're breath catches in your throat and you smile before you remember that Tim is right behind you. He picked you up from work and surprised you and there was no way you could tell him no.

Rachel and Tim are both embarrassed and you can see the tears forming in her eyes as she lies and says she's expecting Finn. She scurries off to her room and you excuse yourself to say goodbye. She's facing away from the door when you walk In and tell her how beautiful she is and her shoulders are shaking when you hug her from behind. You pretend you don't hear her when she whispers that she loves you as you promise you'll be home later.

When you finally make it home the entire apartment has been cleaned and every trace of Rachel's gift is gone. Her bedroom door is locked when you try it and you sigh as you head toward your room. There's a small box sitting on your bed along with a bouquet of lilies. You wonder if they really mean 'I dare you to love me'…

**Somehow you managed to get Rachel to let you touch her and she's lying underneath you arching into your fingers, clinging to you as if it's the last time you'll ever touch her. You know it will be so you're clinging to her just as hard. Tonight is the tenth time you've made Rachel Berry cry and even though it's only because you'll never have her this way again, you're grateful that it's the last.**

* * *

Your nervous as your mother fiddles with your veil and you look at her for the first time since she arrived. She doesn't look as happy as she should and when she catches you looking at her she smiles. "This is really for the best honey. You'll see." You swallow as she says this, but before you can ask her what she means the door opens and you freeze because Rachel looks too beautiful for words and if you open your mouth you might tell her this in front of your mother.

It's the first time you've seen her in six months and even though your mother looks at the two of you with disapproval she excuses herself telling you that she will let you tie up your loose ends before you get married. The Maid of Honor dress you sent over to Finn's (you try not to let it annoy you so much that she's still living with him) looks stunning on her and you really can't believe she's actually here. You take a step forward to touch her, but she backs away from you uneasily, her tentative smile faltering a little.

She tells you in a stiff voice that she hopes the two of you can be friends someday and that her therapist says that this is an important step if that's what she really wants. It's all she offers and you don't press her for more because you can see for the first time how fragile she is standing in the same room with you. Santana comes in a moment later just as surprised as you to see Rachel and you ask her if she can fill her in on the ceremony. Rachel smiles again before she follows Santana out of the room and this time you're the one whose eyes are filling with tears.

Finn fumbles in awkwardly a moment later and apologizes for not warning you that Rachel was coming. He thinks you're making a mistake and he hasn't been shy about telling you this. As much as you hate him for being the one to comfort Rachel you are glad that someone was there to put her back together. You love him for that and you let him hug you before he leaves, laughing when he tells you that when he was sixteen he thought it would be him standing at the alter with you.

Your mother comes in and you're sitting quietly when she walks in thinking about everything and you frown when she smiles at you. You ask her what she meant when she told you this was for the best and called Rachel a loose end. You mother's smile staggers as she turns away and it's then you realize that just as she knew all those years ago that you were pregnant she knows right now that you're in love with Rachel.

"How long have you known?" You ask quietly. She gives you an indignant answer and tells you that now is not the time to discuss this you have a responsibility to uphold. She tells you that you have to grow up now and look toward the future. She asks you what kind of future you would have with Rachel and paints one full of ridicule and shame.

You're halfway down the aisle when you meet her eyes and to your surprise she's still looking at you with a little pink heart cookie in the palm of her hand. She's still hoping you'll take what she's offering and you're still worried about what the awful man on your arm will think if you do.

Your almost up to the I do's and all you can think about is the woman standing at your back, always. Even after she had to watch you smile and accept an engagement from another man. Even when you pushed her away, even when you hurt her and denied her. Even through all of the times you made her cry this woman has always been by you side and as Tim says "I do" you have a flash of your future and all you can see is Rachel. All you want is Rachel. And you love the freedom of finally not caring who knows it.

There's a collective gasp that goes through the church when you quietly say the word "No" to the priest and before you turn to the love of your life you step closer to Tim and kiss him gently on the cheek as you slip his ring into his hand. He closes his eyes for a moment and nods his approval before turning from the alter and you finally get the courage to face her.

She's on the verge of tears when you look at her and you close the gap between the two of you as fast as you can because for once you don't want her to cry. "I hope it's not too late to tell you I love you." You whisper in her ear.

"It was never too late." She says back and you lean down and kiss her. You only break away from her when you hear Santana making cat calls and Finn cheering from behind you. You think you pick out Kurt's voice saying "Finally!" and suddenly the entire church erupts into chaos and you become vaguely aware of your father coming toward the two of you with a menacing look on his face. You shield Rachel from him, close your eyes and flinch to get ready for the slap he intends on delivering. You haven't had one since high school, but they aren't easily forgotten.

When you don't feel your father's hand across your cheek you open your eyes to find that Rachel is yelling angrily at your father and it would almost be funny that the little diva was letting him have it if you didn't know your father's temper. Thankfully Finn, Puck and even Mr. Schue (it's the thought that counts from him) have taken up stances behind Rachel and your father storms off grabbing your mother on his way.

Everyone has filed out of the church in haste and the only ones left are you, Rachel and most of the original Glee club members plus Emma Pillsbury. Everyone is talking excitedly hugging and congratulating them (especially Rachel) and to _your_ surprise none of _them _seem surprised. You think about the week you have off of work and you wonder if you can convince Rachel to stay with you. You think you'll have fun hanging with old friends and you sort of want to walk up and down the streets with her shouting to anyone who'll listen that you love Rachel Berry.

It's when you meet her eyes again and their shining with unshed happiness that you realize you still haven't told her. You walk up to her and pull her close. "I love you, Rachel. I've always loved you. And I'll never be afraid to say it again."

"Quinn." She's a little breathless when she says your name and you lean down to kiss her again as you realize how close you came to losing her and how amazing she's always been for waiting for you. She's smiling the widest smile you've ever seen at your words even though she's always known and you'll be deliriously happy to make it up to her for the rest of your life for not saying it sooner…


End file.
